"Mommmmmm, Phineas and Ferb are making a title sequence!!!"

Today, I'll attempt to explain the SECOND part of my title:  Finding Fortitude in Daily Folly.  I'll be honest-- it was hard to come up with a "subtitle" when I'm not quite sure yet where this blog is headed.  I toyed around with "faith, family, farm" (mainly because I'm addicted to alliteration!)... but it sounded too cliche.  And, besides, I can't promise that I'll write about ANY of those things on a consistent basis!  But, one thing is guaranteed:  I WILL make mistakes (folly) DAILY.  And, my prayer is that I will LEARN from those mistakes and will keep moving forward.  {Cue Rob Thomas, please.}

I really hate to do this, because I'm not always a fan when writers/speakers say, "Webster's defines _______ as...".  But, I think I want to make sure that *I* am being true to the definitions, so I'm sorry, dear reader, but I'm going to break my own self-imposed rule here:

Fortitude  is defined as "mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously."

Folly is defined as "1. the state or quality of being foolish, lack of understanding or sense; 2. a foolish action, practice, idea; absurdity; 3. a costly and foolish undertaking; unwise investment or expenditure."

Fortitude and folly don't seem to be cohesive elements at first glance.  But, I can give you several real-life examples of how I have made MAJOR mistakes... but learned something valuable-- something that I could not have learned EXCEPT through my own folly.  Maybe I'll outline a few here.  [Trust me, if I keep this blogging-thing up for very long, I'll acquire many NEW examples along the way!]  ;)

The first HUGE example I can think of is my first marriage (or, as I like to refer to it: my "practice marriage")-- you know, the one that ended in the d-i-v-o-r-c-e?   It was definitely "folly" that got me INTO that relationship in the first place.  [And, I should note ahead-of-time that this will NOT be a "bash the ex" episode.  I still respect him as a person and will always hold him in high esteem.  What I am saying from this point forward will be solely about ME and MY decision-making process in regards to that relationship.]

I went INTO that relationship for many wrong reasons.  Despite many "red flags" along the way, I plowed on through because I thought I could overcome the issues we were facing.  What I didn't realize at the time is that you can't CHANGE another person; you can only change YOURSELF.  And, over the next three years, I DID change.  I became depressed, overweight, unsure of myself, and nearly insane.  Finally, we had a conversation that changed everything:  he declared that he did NOT want to have children; so I suggested we get a divorce.  A few weeks later, we did just that.   [the short version]

What did I learn from that experience?  Well, at first, I learned that I can't always trust my own instincts.  After I got over the grief, I went out and sowed a few wild oats.  [skipping many embarrassing details here, just in case my mom ever reads this!]  THEN, when I was tired of roaming aimlessly, I began thinking about getting into a relationship once again... and I asked myself what I TRULY desired in a mate.  I didn't have a full-blown "checklist" (although I don't think that's a BAD idea!), but I knew what I DIDN'T want, and I felt like I would *know* what a good relationship looked like, since I had already experienced what a good relationship does NOT look like.  So, I met my forever-husband, Dan, in what was then considered an unconventional way:  on the internet!

I know that I am BEYOND lucky when I tell you that my husband is PERFECT for me.  Not everyone gets it right-- not even the SECOND time around.  And, I'm not saying that HE is perfect or that our RELATIONSHIP is perfect, but he is the EXACT right mate for ME.  Our relationship is an ongoing work-in-progress, but, after 12+ years of marriage, I think we've found a groove that works.

So, what else did I learn/gain from my first (failed) marriage (folly)?  This:

1. I got to spend two years with my very best friend. Even though we were both going through separate struggles during that two years, it was one of the most FUN times of my entire life!  And it solidified our life-long friendship. [I'll write an entire post-- "All about Ricki" some other time!]
2. I gained a few MORE life-long friends that I wouldn't have otherwise gained because I moved to WA, a place that I would not have moved to, had I not gone through that failed relationship.
3. I learned to appreciate my extended family.  Now that I am back here in AR, I realize how much I had missed them.
4. I can recover from heartbreak.
5. I can stand on my own two feet.  
6. I can still LOVE. <3
7. I can forgive.

Well, it looks like I only got through ONE example of "folly" in this post... but it was a big one.  I'm sure I'll find reason to focus on more folly in the future.  {Have I mentioned that I love alliteration???}

What's up next?  I'm not sure yet!  Hopefully inspiration will come soon....

Tchau!

[I'm not Brazilian/Portuguese either.]

Where'd That Wacky Title Come From???

Again, I must thank my friend, Debbie, for giving me permission to use a title for my blog that seems... well... a little weird.  [BUT-- have you seen some OTHER blog titles out there?  Well, don't go searching NOW.  Finish reading this post... then go blog-hopping.  Trust me, my title will NOT seem very weird within a couple minutes!]

I also must give credit to a Cooking Channel show that I stumbled across while soaking up some TV at my parents' house a couple months ago.  The show is called, "My Grandmother's Ravioli."  The show was pretty cute, and if I had cable, I'd definitely tune in!  But, I don't.  So, I won't.  :)

Anyhoo... when I was brainstorming with Debbie one day (AKA: rambling on while she politely listened), I told her that I had a crazy title idea, and I said it out loud while I felt brave, and she DIDN'T LAUGH!  She said that she really liked it!  Now, it DOES require a bit of explanation... so, here's THAT:

Without going into a TON of detail (I'll save that for future posts with which to bore you!), the story of "my grandmother's lamp" (lowercase) begins way back in the 1990s, when my Grandma Beulah was still alive.  She had this AWESOME lamp that I LOVED.  I jokingly said to her one day, "Can I have that lamp when you die?"  [She was a granny with a sense of humor, so it wasn't morbid or disrespectful!]  She said, "Sure, you can."  Well, over the next year, she started giving away a few things that she knew she wanted specific people to have, and she told my Mom to come get "the lamp" because she couldn't be sure that it wouldn't get snatched up by someone else after she was gone.

Unfortunately, at the time when the lamp was given to me, I was living half a state away, and I didn't want to take the lamp home (where I had a rambunctious puppy) and risk it getting broken, so the lamp stayed with my parents.

A couple years later, I got a divorce (ex-husband got the DOG) and decided on a whim to move half-way across the country for "a change of scenery."  So, again... the lamp stayed behind.

Fast-forward 12 years (again, I am skipping a LOT of details that are not important to THIS story... yet ARE important!  I'll come back to them later, I promise), and my family (I gained a husband and three kiddos over that 12-year span) FINALLY achieved our dream of moving from the Pacific Northwest back to Arkansas, where I grew up, to live near my family.

I could FINALLY have my lamp!!!

Except I don't have it.  It's still at my parents' house.

WHY don't I have this lovely lamp in my home right now?  WHY is it sitting in a spare bedroom 3.5 miles away, instead of providing beauty and ambient light to my somewhat-dark living room right this second?

I'm not sure.  Well, I think PART of the reason is that I have a toddler, and I DON'T have a sturdy end-table on which to put the lamp just yet, so I'm <yet again> living in FEAR of something happening to that darn lamp!

Now, this lamp is NOT an expensive lamp, I don't think.  I've seen similar lamps in second-hand stores selling for around $10, so it's not that it's monetarily valuable, although it IS sentimentally valuable to me.  [I'll post a picture someday soon!]  So, it's not that I'm afraid of something happening to it, thereby destroying my chance to take it to Antiques Road Show and then selling it at auction for $10,000!  Nope.  I'm just... AFRAID.

So, what does this lamp represent in my life?  Well, to be quite honest, I don't quite have that figured out just yet.  But, my first instinct is that I need to just find a way to ENJOY the stinkin' lamp!  Yes, it COULD get broken!  But, will that destroy the memory of my grandmother?  Nope.  Will life go on if that lamp gets broken?  Yes.  Most likely, life WILL go on.

Part of what the lamp represents, I think, is simply a tangible representation of "proximity" to my family now.  My mom had been trying to convince us to move here for YEARS before we finally took the plunge.  In fact, we had several "false starts," when we THOUGHT we were going to really do it... and then things didn't work out.  But, NOW-- we are finally HERE.  My family is right down the road.  We live in a house on 9 acres that is [sort of] in the country, and we LOVE IT!  My kids go to school with their cousins, and we are all very happy-- despite the trepidation I felt about moving, at first.

The lamp may also somewhat represent the fulfillment of a dream... and yet the lamp is still back in the corner, not being showcased in my home.  [There were other "tangibles" of the dream-fulfilled, too-- like the cedar chest my dad built for me when we FIRST said we were moving here-- about 8 years ago.  Then, there was the pre-lit Christmas tree that my mom bought for us several years ago (post-Christmas clearance sale) during another "We're moving back!" escapade that didn't pan out.  The good news is that the cedar chest IS in my bedroom, being utilized,  and we DID use the Christmas tree just a few short weeks ago!  So, we're not COMPLETE dream-fulfillment duds.]  ;) 

Okay, I think I need to stop here.  I feel that I've rambled long enough.  Hopefully, you get a sense of where I'm coming from with "my grandmother's lamp."  I'm still mulling it over, and I know that naming a blog without a clear vision seems wacky... but, apparently, that's how I roll. 

Next time, I'll address the subtitle:  Finding Fortitude in Daily Folly.  Should be interesting!

Ciao!

[I'm not even Italian.  Not sure where that came from.  Sorry.]

I Would Like to Thank the Academy....

I'm just starting this blog on a whim.  It's something that I've thought and thought and thought about for the longest time, but my inner-perfectionism has prevented me from just jumping in with both feet and GOING FOR IT!  But, after finding a blogger who seems to be my soul-sister and ongoing encouragement from a very dear friend, I'm DOING this.  I have no idea where this blog will "go."  I only know that I MUST start.  [Isn't there a Martin Luther King, Jr. quote about that?  Hold on a sec while I go Google it....]

Found it!  Oh, it's better than I thought-- and SO appropriate:

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase; just take the first step."  ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

So, THANK YOU, dear friend Debbie.  Your encouragement (even if you don't realize how you've been spurring me toward this through your OWN blogger journey!) has been immeasurable.  And, I can't wait to see where my own path leads....  [I will link YOUR blog-- The Sour Path is the Sweetest-- here in the comments when I'm brave enough!  Right now, I don't want anyone to actually READ this blog yet... so I'm afraid of leaving a digital trail!]

And THANK YOU, Dana White (AKA "Nony") at A Slob Comes Clean.  [You can find her site by searching "a slob comes clean."  I'll link in comments when I feel more courageous.]  ;)  Dana, I just discovered your website/podcasts a few days ago, and I was floored by how similar MY story is to YOURS.  I feel like I'm an organized person trapped in the body of a disorganized person, and I've harbored tremendous guilt for at least a DECADE (since becoming a mother), and now I feel like I can finally be FREE of that guilt.  I was so encouraged by your story about how your ASCC blog came into existence-- as a sort of God-given revelation (which I know you don't say lightly or flippantly, and I BELIEVE YOU).  You, truly, were brave enough [had FAITH enough] to simply take that first STEP... and that is why I'm writing TODAY.  As I listened to your podcasts [as I hand-washed a week's worth of dishes], I just kept laughing and shaking my head as time-after-time, I would think, "That's ME!"  I definitely want to credit you along this journey, and I promise that I WILL.  As I said, I don't know where this blog will lead me, and it won't just be a copy-cat ASCC blog.  But, you definitely have been a catalyst to get things going... so THANK YOU!

Ideas for my next post:  Where'd That Wacky Title Come From?